Head of School's Message: September 16

Psychotherapist Dr. Tina Payne Bryson author of The Power of Showing Up, The Yes Brain, The Whole Brain Child and No Drama Discipline, spoke to Chandler parents in the Ahmanson Auditorium on Tuesday night. Dr. Bryson is the founder of the Center for Connection (CFC) based in Pasadena. The CFC has gathered under one roof a team of practitioners from psychology, social work, pediatrics, educational and occupational therapy, neuropsychology, and speech and language therapy, with each practitioner offering a connection-based perspective. 

 

As part of Chandler's commitment to the social-emotional side of learning, we have embarked on a partnership with the Center for Connection. For two days a week, one of the center's therapists, Adrienne Hollingsworth, Chandler's Social Emotional Wellness Coordinator, will be on Chandler's campus working with students, faculty and parents. 

 

Adrienne and Chandler's Director of Learning Resources Scott Nancarrow led a workshop for faculty on social-emotional learning at the beginning of the school year. Tina Payne Bryson covered much of the same ground during her talk to parents. Adrienne's work with faculty and staff and Tina's presentation to parents establishes common ground for the Chandler community.

 

Below is a summary of Tina's talk. If you want to go deeper, there are a number of links to Tina's books and blogs beneath the summary:

 

"Most of what parents do in the name of discipline is counterproductive. The whole point of discipline is to raise self-disciplined children. Tina believes in high expectations and firm limits. She is not a fan of permissive parenting. 

 

We need to figure out how a child's brain is working and respond accordingly for a child to learn. The brain is either receptive (the Green Zone) or reactive (the Red and Blue zones)

 

The brain is at its most receptive in the Green Zone, also known as the River of Well Being. Parents and kids make good choices in the Green Zone. If you get too revved up, you move into the Red Zone. That's where we flee, fight and freeze. The Blue Zone is where we shut down, faint or collapse.

 

When a child goes into the red zone, it's easy for parents to go there too. In the Green Zone, everyone thinks clearly. Chandler's goal is to keep it in the Green Zone!

 

How can we understand these reactive states? Tina wrapped her fingers around her thumb to create a simple model of a brain. She distinguished between the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.

 

The downstairs brain includes the brain stem and limbic region. It is responsible for basic functions like breathing, fight and flight impulses, and intense emotions. It's where we act before we think.

 

The upstairs brain is made up of the cerebral cortex, including the middle pre-frontal cortex. It is highly sophisticated and controls analytical thinking, decision making, planning, regulation of emotions and body, self-understanding, empathy, and morality. It's under development until the mid-twenties, in some cases later. The upstairs brain is where we are calm, kind and make good choices.

 

Following the segment of her talk on brain mechanics, Tina shifted gears to talk about how adults can help children feel more secure. Children are physically safer than any previous generation, yet there is more anxiety and depression than ever. We are dealing with anxiety and depression on an unprecedented scale. 

 

One way for adults to address this mental health crisis is through attachment to our children and our child's attachment to us. One of the best predictors for how kids turn out is that they have a secure attachment with at least one other person, someone who shows up for them. It was reassuring to hear that as parents, we do not need to have had attached parents ourselves to form secure attachments to our children. 

 

Children seek proximity – they need to be safe, seen and soothed to be secure. 

 

SAFE – protect them from harm. Don't be the source of fear. Create a safe harbor. If you make a mistake as a parent, if you flip your lid, repair, repair, repair. We live chaotic, overwhelmed lives. Kids mirror our states. Home needs to be a cozy, safe, haven. Parents need to make adjustments. If you are overwhelmed, your child will be overwhelmed. 

 

SEEN – two ways in which kids feel 'felt'. Tune in and understand their internal state and respond quickly and sensitively to their needs. Create space and time to look and learn. Ask children how they are feeling and what they need.

 

SOOTHED – parents need to build a calming tool kit for themselves and their children by offering empathy and presence. The statement and question, "I can see you are mad. What can I do to help?' is a worthwhile addition to the tool kit. 

 

The big conclusion from Tina's talk was that children learn to keep themselves safe, to see themselves as worthy and to soothe themselves when things go wrong if they have secure attachments at school and at home.