Head of School's Message: January 27
Julie Lythcott-Haims, the Dean of Freshmen at Stanford University from 2002-2012, grew sufficiently concerned about trends she saw in first-year college students to write in 2015 How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success.
Julie Lythcott-Haims, the Dean of Freshmen at Stanford University from 2002-2012, grew sufficiently concerned about trends she saw in first-year college students to write in 2015 How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. Last Thursday, as part of Chandler's CFA sponsored parent education series, Julie spoke to an overflowing audience in the Ahmanson auditorium.
In a talk that was as funny as it was profound, Julie warned parents of younger children not to fall into the overparenting trap that she witnessed Stanford parents falling into. The trap prevents children from growing into autonomous adults.
For those of you unable to attend, here are a few key points from her presentation:
A. Three trends about students in college that concerned her:
- Students are more accomplished than ever, but they are scarred and impacted by being driven to achieve.
- Students are less familiar now with who they are. They don't know themselves. They're so concerned about pleasing others and following paths others have prescribed for them that they do not know what they want. They lack authentic passions.
- Parents are more involved in the day to day lives of their kids at college to the detriment of their kids who need to become independent.
B. Tiger parenting is not limited by ethnicity. It's fiercely directive and says to students there are only three to four career paths for you that are acceptable to me.
C. Concierge parents are always bailing out their children. If children are not given a chance to differentiate from their parents, they will not grow up to be adults.
D. We have created a 'check-listed childhood' – it's all about grades, scores and resume building. Parents are continually checking grades on the website or portal as if they are checking a stock. A check-listed childhood pulls the rug out from beneath a child.
E. Why will parents do anything to give their kids an edge? We are afraid, we want to ensure outcomes, our own sense of self is threatened, we feel judged. We need more focus on the kid. It's not about us.
F. If we hold our kids' hands for too long, they will lose the ability to do anything for themselves. We interrupt their agency.
G. Kids need to experience 'failure' and 'faltering'. Julie referred to them as the beautiful 'f' words!
H. As children grow older, parents should approach their child's skill development in the same way they approached their children when they first learned to walk. Stumbling strengthens muscles.
I. Here's what we need to do:
- Stop saying 'we' when you mean your child.
- Acknowledge your child's separate existence.
- Stop arguing with every authority figure in your children's lives and teach your children to advocate for themselves.
- Don't do your kids' homework.
J. Finally – In longitudinal studies, success in adult life is best predicted by whether or not you had chores growing up. "It's about Vacuum, not Kumon," she said.
Julie drew the first of many laughs when she reassured us at the start of her talk that those in attendance were obviously effective practitioners of enlightened parenting and the tiger-checklist-concierge-overparenting parents are at other schools.
You can read more about Julie and her work on her website: https://www.julielythcotthaims.com/
